I've written soooo much stuff that I haven't posted here, or anywhere actually. So...here's all of it.

December 27, 2003
My So Called Life

I’m starting to think there’s not much to my life
It’s like some average sitcom, but more predictable
Seems like for someone so privileged,
I’d be more appreciative, less conceited, life is so overrated

*Chorus*

Caught up, dragged down, tortured by my so called life
Losing everything when the walls tumble down
Putting up a good fight until it doesn’t matter anymore
Until it falls back into what it was before

Peers not encouraging, never exactly kind
Seeing though transparent personalities
Can’t we see out true selves
Can’t someone see that I’m just like you, like it or not?

Caught up, dragged down, tortured by my so called life
Losing everything when the walls tumble down
Putting up a good fight until it doesn’t matter anymore
Until it falls back into what it was before

*Bridge*

Life is beautiful, life is grand
It’s like bunny rabbits
Like cotton candy
Poison spun in the sugar, stained pink by blood

Caught up, dragged down, tortured by my so called life
Losing everything when the walls tumble down
Putting up a good fight until it doesn’t matter anymore
Until it falls back into what it was before

Beautiful, beautiful, it really is
Beautiful, beautiful, I love it muchly

*Chorus to fade*

1/5/04

Endless
Dedicated to Jennifer
Song Inspirations – Window, Fly, Make It Right, Live

A gentle breeze, carrying sweet fragrances
Tasting the delicate quality of my surroundings
Brushing my cheek, sunrays assure my temporary safety
Sweeping, as my emotions twist
Around the frame of my body, escaping me
Carried by that gentle breeze
I’m hollow, a heartbeat, a shell of what I am,
I was,
I could be
I’m lonely, abandoned
I’ve been left alone, my thoughts my companionship
Longing for something to sooth my confusion
Longing for something, someone so beautiful.
Too sweet for my senses to handle
That eternal longing
Crazy.
With my solo companion gone,
Reality dousing my soul
Stripped clean, starting anew. Pursuit of happiness.
Possibilities are truly endless.

1/13/04
Truth Takes Time

There’s a way, if only I could find it
There’s a patch, if only I could take it
If I could make it to tomorrow
If the patch I could truly follow
**Chorus**
I know no one really knows me
Too complex to simply break down
Truth takes time, time to learn
Searching, praying, teaching along the way

Life and love clouded by clichés
Breaking truth is what they do
These ones who hold power
Long for control, our minds and spirits lost

**Chorus**

Though I’ll never find it today
There’s my own way
**Repeat twice*
**Chorus**
If only they’d give us time
If they’d leave their beliefs
There is…is a chance…there is…

1/13/04


Say she’s walking, say she’s lonely
Say you’ve lived her life
Is she so much more interesting than you
Say her personality more charming
Say her look is more stunning
Say she honestly loves
Life
Say she is the most courageous woman you have ever come across

Say she was never really there
Say you became jealous
Say, you’re stupid
Say, you’re worthless

What if she was in you the entire time?


Say. It’s all over.


January 25, 2004
What I Love About You

You beautiful freak of nature
You utterly disgusting dramatic
You seem to always know what I’m thinking

You reflect everything
The feelings of the planet
The breath of all spirits
To the craziness of it spiraling
Further and further out of control

Your soul is as pure as that open door
Your heart is truly warm
Your beauty shines through your every fiber of being
All this and more is what I love about you

The eyes of a goddess
How different you’ll always be
Baby, I can hear you calling
Sacredness of you
Of you, dear

I can see your personality
I can feel you breathing
You surround me fully, darling
All this and more is what I love about you

Its not really as if I have no life
Its not really that we aren’t special
Its not like we don’t have our own affairs

Just that you’re so grounded
So connected
Everything travels through you

I can see you touch me
How you reflect into me
How you’re making me a better soul
You’re the space for everything I’ll never have
That I never had, never really needed
All this and more is what I love about you
2/8/04

Poem For A Teacher
Inspiration – Katie

First person they see
First thing, every day
A pure joy shows
Shines from attempted covers
A friendly smile, unmistakable laugh
Considers anything, no matter how absurd
Finds the genius in it
Helps create futures
First thing, every day

2/9/04
Spiritual Connection
How are we so connected?
How can this be?
We know that destiny cannot be in out favor
Somehow
I feel your presence eternally with me
I see your reflection in this pool that I drink from
As it washes over me
I’m baptized by you
You can feel me
As I you
Every inch of us
My tears, your blood
Our conjoined pain
Everywhere I go
I live through your blessing
Your things
I’m losing where I started
And where you should end
Are you hypnotizing me?
Are you controlling me?
Am I willing?
Do I have a mind of my own?
Do I care?
As I let you take me
Take me as yours
And you are mine
You’re baptized by me

As I am baptized by you

2/9/04

Random thoughts
All good comes from destruction
Evil is confused good
Chaos is normal; we can’t always see it
We’re never really fatigued, life is exhaustion – energy overcomes it
The light is beauty, every one of the million colors
Happiness is when you’re fine on your own

1/11/04

Screams, panic
Confusion
It don’t know where to turn, who to hear,
A reason I should listen
Why can’t I think?
Why won’t they let me?
This is insanity.
They’re wrong, not me.

It’s not my fault.
It’s not my fault.

Yes it is.
Yes it is.

True clarity.
I have no say
No power
Feel nothing. Am nothing. I’m worthless.

Where is the light?
Where is the light?

I am.
I am.
I can feel everything.
I am everything.
I hold all capabilities.

I can do anything.
I can do anything.


2/12/04
Sorry (Watching Over You)

I know you are suffering down there
If only I had realized this wasn’t right
I’m so sorry
I’m so sorry

I wish there had been another way
And there was
That’s what kills me
Slowly kills you

*Chorus*
As I continue to watch over you
I’m drawn closer to your heart
As I look on from afar
I become more like you
Your daughter, your mother, every day

I’m looking up to you, watching for your signs
I only wish I could have been what you needed
I’m so sorry
I’m so sorry

You’re free now
There’s no boundaries anymore
I kept you captive
You were under my wing
Suffocating

*Chorus*
As I continue to watch over you
I’m drawn closer to your heart
As I look on from afar
I become more like you
Your son, your father, every day

*Spoken bridge*

We have a love
Undying passion
It cannot become a reality
We have willingly separated
For fear of our own destruction

*Chorus*
As I continue to watch over you
I’m drawn closer to your heart
As I look on from afar
I become more like you
We are one
Forever


Poem for my Idols

My life
So deeply impacted by yours
So lucky to find those like me
Most don’t even know
Can’t even comprehend
What you are to me

So hard to explain
My admiration
The beauty, talent and grace
Poise, centeredness
Amazes me
You all eternally amaze me

Thank you
Thank you all so much.


Dedicated to those idols – Paula Abdul, Kelly Ripa, Alanis Morissette, Jennifer Marks

And to those who inspire – Tori Amos, Sarah Mclachlan, Missy Elliot

And to all those I love
Too many to name

I hope someday you will all know


2/19/04

They tried to make me conform
Throw my thoughts out the window
They wanted me to be like them
Not have a mind of my own

They’re just scared, I know
Of what they have yet to analyze
All the ideas I push towards them
Push into space

*Chorus*
It doesn’t make sense to them
Why I’m so stubborn
Why I can’t just let get like the rest
They see nothing in their eyes
Thought we were useless
Until they came to me
And finally see

They try to classify me
Break me down into a science
That they can study through and through
Inside and out

They want to capture me
Inside a photograph
Mould me into something
Pleasing to the eye
And mouth

*Chorus*
It doesn’t make sense to them
Why I’m so stubborn
Why I can’t just let get like the rest
They see nothing in their eyes
Thought we were useless
Until they came to me
And finally see


*Bridge*

I could be what they want
And lose myself
Give them everything
And lose myself

I’m not going to leave myself behind

*Chorus*
It doesn’t make sense to them
Why I’m so stubborn
Why I can’t just let get like the rest
They see nothing in their eyes
Thought we were useless
Until they came to me
And finally see


I’m never going to lose myself


2/20/04
Unwanted Threat

You made me sob today
Was it from joy or pain?
It terrifies me how you control my emotions
And throw me into the rain

You’ll never know that I’m scared
I won’t let you get close enough
I’ve put up a fight for way too long
The road is starting to get rougher

*Chorus*
My only goal, only mission
Is to continue to be myself
To live up to the dream
I built as a little girl
Why have you come to threaten me now?

I spent all this time guarding myself
From people exactly like you
You’re too good to be true

I’ve got control over my own deductions
I’ve influenced others, warning
I can’t turn on that, on them
And around to you, into your arms

*Chorus*
My only goal, only mission
Is to continue to be myself
To live up to the dream
I built as a little girl
Why have you come to threaten me now?

*Bridge*
So rich, so tempting,
You’re shameless, you’re disgusting
As I tell myself
Again and again and again


*Chorus*
My only goal, only mission
Was to continue to be myself
To live up to the dream
I built as a little girl
Why have you come to threaten me now?

Now that I’m weak
And being drawn toward you
I can’t control myself anymore

Why did you do this to me?
You know my character more than I do
I hated you for that
You had an unfair advantage
And you took it
How could you do this to me?


Even though secretly, I wanted you to